Practical Parenting

by Crystal Linn

 

Crystal Linn is a childcare expert and a professional writer. She is co-founder of
C and C Educational Consultants, a Bothell-based company that works with childcare professionals and also offers children's workshops and parenting classes. Crystal enjoys reading mysteries, writing poetry and sailing. She would love to hear from you at candceducationalconsultants@gmail.com or at (206) 715-2505.

There are many excellent books available on the subject of divorce and children, yet it makes me sad so few of them discuss divorce and children's grief.

A friend told me that divorce creates a loss so painful it is like losing an arm. With any loss, everyone involved must work through the process of grieving. All children grieve the divorce of their parents, whether they are two years old or twenty. Like adults, each child will grieve in his/her own way. The problem is that the younger the child, the fewer verbal skills s/he has to express the intense emotions. As a result they can only act out their feelings through their behaviors.

I'm sure you all know the five steps in the grieving process, so I will only list them here for a quick review along with two additional steps.

Denial (and isolation)

Anger (increased temper tantrums in younger children)

Bargaining (children are great at this)

Depression (each child reacts differently)

Acceptance (the child is less anxious and calmer)

Creating a new reality (each child reacts differently)

Creating a new identity (the child will become more confident)

As married adults, we had a life before marriage and have the life skills to re-adjust after divorce. Children have no prior experiences to relate to. All they knew was mom and dad together. As a result, in addition to grieving, children must each adjust to a new way of life, which is alien to them.

The best thing the parent(s) can do is to be aware the children must go through all of the grieving steps, in their own way. Children need the love and understanding of all adults. This includes both of the parents (if both are in the picture), grandparents and any aunts or uncles who live in the area. Children's behaviors will change as they move from one step to another and find their own new relational identity.

If any of you parents know of a good book that discuss divorce and children's grief, please let me know so I can pass it on to other parents.

To your parenting success,

Crystal



Community Corner:

Marysville Skate Inn announced that summer discount tickets are now available. http://www.marysvilleskateinn.com/

The Chocolate Factory is a fun workshop where children learn trivia facts by engaging in various chocolate activities: Sponsored by Marysville Park and Recreation, Saturday, June 18. Call (360) 363-8401 to register.

Quotable Parenting Quote:

A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions. Richard L. Evans